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Thursday
Dec012011

Guest Blog Feature: Guuol the Orc!  

 For the second time in CCdd history, we are extremely fortunate to have the comedic loveliness of Julio Jacobo gracing our production.  In "The Break-Up/Break-Down" Julio played the role of "Cupid"- to much success and adoration of his audiences.  In "Ragnarok" Julio plays another crowd-pleasing favorite: Travis, who yearns to be "Guuol" the Orc. 

 For those of you who are unaware, Julio is also an amazing local Comedian.  Because of these abilities, we asked Julio to write the first ever "from the eyes of the character" blog for your reading pleasure.  So below is Julio's interpretation of a journal entry written by Travis- who fantasizes his world through the eyes of Guuol the Orc....and well...it's pretty magical...and a little bizarre.  Check it out: 

 

  Today was the nicest day off of work in history, or herstory, whatever those feminist hippies like to say. I started the day off over in mission bay where I swam with the dolphins. Just when I earned their trust, I sunk my mandibles into the pack leader's soft white underbelly, thus supplanting him as the new dominant male.

Now, overthrowing an aquatic government works up a powerful hunger in a man, so it was over to the Hash House for breakfast. I got the Guuol special, an omelet I had specially designed for myself. I'd tell you what was in it, but upon hearing its contents you might just manure in your pants.

Then it was off to practice with the warriors. When I got there Neil and Clayton were already there. They're always the first two there. It's usually pretty creepy being there alone with them. Clayton's always talking to Neil about girls in this weird baby voice, and then Neil responds in his horrible English accent, and I'm just sitting there in a skirt and a green face in the middle of these two jackals making Monty Python and the Holy Grail jokes. Then Gerald gets there, and I'm just sitting there in a skirt and a green face in the middle of these THREE jackals making Monty Python and the Holy Grail jokes. I swear, I gotta get this Gerald laid. I never knew someone with a 24/7 boner until I met this kid.
 

 Then Bri and Dot get there and the fun really starts. Watching Bri smile awkwardly through Gerald's come-ons is always hilarious. Taunting Dot for being deaf (even though I know she can hear me) is always a highlight of my weekend. Then Jeremy, Lionel, and Lilly arrive. Oh man. Lilly. Damn it. Her bazongas. Are magnets. For my eyes. I can't look away. It's like I'm scared something's gonna happen and I don't want to miss it. I swear, one day she'll trip, or I'll knock her down or something, and one of those puppies is going to pop out, and Guuol can die a happy Orc. Then Danny gets there, and I make scary faces at him until I see him start to tear up, and then I stop, because if he starts crying because someone is making scary faces at him, then suddenly I'm the dick. After Jeremy helps Lionel replace his tampon, we go some rounds. It's always fun, but none of these fools can match my skills. That's why I'm calling out UFC hall of famer Chuck Liddell! Chuck, me and you, Staples Center, Los Angeles, March 4th, live on pay-per-view! Let's go!

After an afternoon of LARPing I went over to Phil's BBQ for two beefy full rib dinners. Hey! An Orc's gotta eat!

Then it's 3 hours of curb stomping middle schoolers in laser tag. Sorry lady, if you don't want your son to have a bloody nose, then you shouldn't let him go in there with a 29 year old man.

Around 7:30 I start my rounds. This consists of driving around in my pick up passing by the houses of all my enemies, old and new, and making sure they're not up to no good. You're welcome.

After a couple large combo number ones it's back home to watch some old wrestling tapes. I need the old stuff. The crap they got now has no flavor to it. Douche bags and pretty boys who'd rather smile than get their hands dirty. Not like the old days. Not like the Ultimate Warrior. He was the best. Seeing him in that war paint shaking that rope in the Sky Dome in Toronto on April 1st, 1990 at Wrestle mania 6 where he beat the immortal Hulk Hogan for the WWF and Intercontinental championships was a childhood memory I will NEVER forget.

After beating off and polishing off my remaining whippets it's finally time for bed. It's about time I go to sleep. The CEO of a fortune 500 company needs his beauty sleep. Twist ending!

 

-Guuol the Orc 

 

We at CCdd do not encourage any of the Orc's behavior.  But we do laugh at it. 

 

There is still time to see Julio and the rest of the cast in "Ragnarok"!  We play until December 10th, and have been delighting critics and audiences alike.  Tonight is Pay-what-you-can, so get down to the 10th Ave Theatre early! 

 

Reader Comments (3)

Guuol....can I make you my wife?

December 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

I don't know who this person is, but I believe this is one of the funniest things i've ever read. Well done Guuol.

December 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

Still Shrek is better! If only you coud do jobs online or magic...

December 15, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermaggie

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